I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
