Taylor Swift is so right about you.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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