Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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