I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
