I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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