8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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