I think my fart just growled at me.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We had to coat check the pizza.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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