He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I am spending my child support on dildos
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
