I wish life had little blips of pornography
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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