Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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