it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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