my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
