just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
