oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
FUCK WHALES
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
