You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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