I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
