No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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