I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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