My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
