If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
