whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
