I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize