she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize