My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
