I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You ruined the universe
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
