Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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