I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
