Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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