Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
