I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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