I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize