booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize