Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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