dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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