I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
