We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He passed out mid-signature
bring money and cleavage
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
