Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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