If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize