apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
