You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Randomize
