I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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