just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
