I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
babies were throwing up all over the place
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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