I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
