I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
