I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
