They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
