Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
