if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I need a burrito and a hug.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
