Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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