I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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