Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
