i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just took my morning after pill in the library
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
