True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
