If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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